Blog #7 – Rewrite of Two Paragraphs

Rewrite:

The world is a beautiful yet terrible place, filled with countless problems that no one seems to be able to find the solutions for. Although we all want to make the world a better place, many find the definition of a better place to be ever changing. What needed to be changed in the past could have been solved or on going, those who needed saving from the suffering could be thriving or still suffering, and the present could be progressive or it could be the past repeating itself. The Effective Altruism activism movement believes they found the answer to saving those suffering in the world by “doing as much good as [they] possibly can with [their lives]” (Southan). They put down frivolous jobs and hobbies like those found in the art industry, to dedicate their lives to saving others. Contrary to their beliefs, artist Titus Kaphar, who gave the TED Talk, “Can Art Amend History?,” believes art has the power to create a difference in the world. He uses art to revise the corrupt ideas of the past to prevent them from occurring again in the present or future. In a suffering world, art may seem to be a waste of time, however, art can be used to amend history, help those most vulnerable, and help focus on the bigger picture.

Art has the power to amend history. It has been used throughout history to portray the lives and environments of the past. War heroes have statues, rich families have portraits, however, history forgets about the people hidden in the shadows. History is not portrayed completely through art. Pieces are missing, others are misinterpreted, those who were suffering are hidden away for the world to forget. In Kaphar’s TED talk, he shows a portrait of a white family, demonstrating the ideals of wealth through jewelry and clothing. On the surface, they are a wealthy family from the past, however, as Kaphar amends the picture with white paint the audience now sees an African American slave boy in the background. Kaphar has finally acknowledged what the original artist of the painting had wanted the world not to see. The original artist wanted to show the elegance and class portrayed by the white family, not the story of the enslaved child. The artist helped the audience overlook the boy like Kaphar’s professor had overlooked the “14-page section that was on black people in painting” (Kaphar). Both were thought of as insignificant pieces to the puzzle of history but Kaphar thought differently. People think of slavery and discrimination as something that happened in the past but Kaphar showed how the issue is still found in the present and he does not want it to continue into the future. In the present, “the most vulnerable in society” are looking at “amazing” pieces of art and seeing people like them depicted as less than, or completely hidden away (Kaphar). Kaphar wants to inspire a promising future by revealing those hidden in the shadows. Art is a powerful tool that helps those who are vulnerable in today’s society by changing how they view the past in order to influence them positively in the future.

Explanation of Changes:

The changes I made to my free draft were fixing my thesis and then rewriting my paragraphs to best fit my new theme. In my introduction paragraph, I made my descriptions of the EA and Kaphar more objective so then I can go into more argumental detail in the actual essay and fixed the details to match the new thesis. In my first body paragraph, I kept the idea of “amending history” but then went in a different direction of arguing the purpose of using art. The Little Seagull helped me use parallel structures to strengthen my essay. I have used them in the past and I really liked them but the section explained why they work so well in essays and encouraged me to use them more.

The changes I made to my free draft were amazing. I feel so much more confident with the words I have written now than before. I changed the overall theme of my paper and that seemed to have helped a lot. Instead of using communication as my theme, I have moved towards the power of art through the past, present, and future. I am excited to see where this takes me. I changed my thesis and added more outside information. This has helped with the flow of my essay and strengthened my claims.

Original:

The world is such a diverse place filled with varying cultures, races, and languages. Often times there is a gap in the connection between those who live among them from those on the outside. Art bridges these gaps by forming one voice. We all want to make the world a better place. However, we say that and nothing is ever done. If the work is done it is through volunteering and donations. The Effective Altruism activism movement believes they found the answer to saving those suffering in the world by “doing as much good as [they] possibly can with [their lives].” However, the Effective Altruism are the ones who decides if the tasks are good enough. They put down frivolous jobs and hobbies like those found in the Art Industry, to dedicate their lives to saving others. Contrary to their beliefs, artist Titus Kaphar, who gave the TED Talk, “Can Art Amend History?,” believes art has the power to create a difference in the world. Kaphar shared how art can be used to focus on the bigger picture, amend history, and help those most vulnerable in society today. Art is a universal form of communication that can be used to influence society, do good for the world, and express individuality through one powerful voice.

Art has the power to influence society’s opinions, emotions, and attitudes. It has been used throughout history to portray the lives and environments of the past. War heroes have statues, rich families have portraits, however, history forgets about the people hidden in the shadows. History is not portrayed completely through art. Pieces are missing, others are misinterpreted, those who were suffering are hidden away for the world to forget. In Kaphar’s TED talk, he shows a portrait of a white family, demonstrating the ideals of wealth through jewelry and clothing. On the surface, they are a wealthy family from the past, however, as Kaphar amends the picture with white paint the audience now sees an African American slave boy in the background. Kaphar has finally acknowledged what the original artist of the painting had wanted the world not to see. He opened up the conversation to, why has the world allowed art that glorifies injustices to stand tall? Kaphar does not want to completely erase the statues from history but he wants to amend them to shed light on those who were often overlooked or forgotten in art and in history. Art’s power has the chance to change how people perceive the world around them.